Is this really it? All of life?

Is the meaning of life really to wake up in a country that hates you for simply existing? To live with a brain that hates itself, to go to work and be underpaid and undervalued? My inner child expected to be something like an astronaut and more than a janitor cleaning up a mess on aisle 5. The child that thought if we can all team together and make the world a better place soon turns into an adult that realizes that it’s more beneficial to the shareholders to make it worse for profit.

Sometimes I wish I was an idiot. Sometimes I wish I was blind. Deaf. And maybe even unconscious. Dead. So I dont have to see that life is so painful, that it doesnt really have a meaning, and see the human race turning darker by day on the television.  To hear about the latest tragedy. To hear agonal breathing.

I just need to move past looking for meaning right? To enjoy experiencing pain because it’s something to experience. Experiencing happiness to balance it out. I’ve decided to treat life as something to just experience. It makes the most sense. But it does hurt to reduce it down to that. And it comes with apathy.

And a big thing on my mind is that I’m older now. I’m getting older. Day by day. And I waste it. Or do I? What brings it value? I’m not sure, but what I am sure I hate the feeling of wasted potential. The only thing I think about consistently nowadays is death and regret. I’ve started to get nauseous looking at cemeteries because entire lives reduced to stone and a name makes me so uneasy, even moreso now that I can’t stop ruminating about that one day I’ll be under one of those no matter what I do. 

I feel a deep emptiness within me, and it feels like nothing ever truly makes it go away or ever will. My biggest fear is the last thought to ever cross my brain before I become one of those stones is one of regret with the background noise of emptiness and insignificance. 

I don’t know what to do for now. I guess I’ll keep moving. But it hurts. Oh god it hurts.