Re: Is this really it? All of life?
The spark of your past leaves your eyes but yet a new shell remains
In reply to Is this really it? All of life?
āDo you ever do something without thinking fully of the trajectory of the action? For me, Iāve walked myself into college however I donāt really want to do this.
The classwork stresses me out, the bus system is a joke, the city is loud but better than Readfield, and I donāt actually know if this is the career I want.
Granted, Iāve made friends, Iāve found a routine, I have gained some independence. But I donāt know so much about the rest of my near future.
āAdditionally, Tis the 20s, which pass very quickly, then the back pain sets in! Iāve heard from my father that once you get older the tunnel vision of adult life becomes more tolerable and I VERY much hope that is true. But I talk to some older adults in my life who have mental illness and from what it sounds like from them it does not get better. I worry especially with me who has CPTSD brain damage if Iām ever going to be able to correctly rewire my brain in a way that supports me.
ā While I am trying to improve my grades at the moment, I struggle to motivate myself to fully improve my grades because I cannot find the motivation to work hard on them because I do not have the same spark in me as I used to have for the future. When I walk down a grey road in the rain and the only things I can do around the city cost money, which requires me currently to break myself with a blue collar job, I of course get a little depressed. Everything gets more expensive, politicians hate my existence, my family and friends dissapear. It seems like a huge part of life is coping with hardship and I do not like that.
ā Though Iāve settled into my college dorm and Iām able to figure out the bus system, I still worry about death alot. Just the idea that you can drop dead at any moment and you wouldnāt be aware, you wouldnāt be scared, youād just be gone. Or car accidents. I think about car accidents alot. Especially ones involving pedestrian and vehicle Theyāre terrifying. Car accidents must be a awfully terrifying way to die. Apparently theyre very common too. A thing I think about is that youāre not really calm during death. Your body tries to pump you full of adrenaline. And you have to grieve really quick if itās sudden. Itās very interesting how decades of life can be wiped out in seconds to minutes to hours and the body makes your last moments an agony unless youre pumped with pain medication.
Well, I dont know. Life doesnāt have any inherent meaning. And I donāt know how to give it any. I guess Iām just floating around how I am. Being my weird and obnoxious self. Well, ciao!